But two weeks ago – with no apparent trigger – I started loosing control in my right hand. No amount of concentrated effort would allow me to press the buttons on the mouse.

Now that’s a real bugger – when your day-to-day slog is spent writing software.

Being a programmer does have some MS advantages – your sit on your arse all day. This saves the concentrated walking effort.

But still being of mostly normal mind – I realized that I was going to be in deep shit if I didn’t get my hand sorted.

This loss was followed shortly afterwards by a right leg that would just collapse!!!

Driving the mouse with the left hand was an easy get out of jail, but driving the keyboard with only one reliable hand is a bitch.

A long time ago, I gave up medication – Rebif - wasn’t worth the incredible gut wrenching headache that followed.

So I went back to the drawing to the board. Something must have changed in my absolutely boring diet.

Over two weeks, I incrementally rebuilt my Multiple Sclerosis Diet.

Fruit and tea.

Fruit and tea and nuts.

Fruit, tea, nuts, bread.

Fruit, tea, nuts, bread and coffee. Black coffee was still behaving as it had for months – great laxative.

Fruit, tea, nuts, bread, tuna and vegetables.

Fruit, tea, nuts, bread, tuna, vegetables, Weetbix and milk.

Over the week, I incrementally regained control of my right hand and leg.

At this point, being confident and proud of myself, I decided to celebrate with a can of Coke and chocolate. I deserved something sweet – nice – for being such good little boy.

Within two hours I was screwed ;-(

Investigation revealed the poison  – Aspartame.

So if you’ve read this and are able to enjoy Coca-Cola, I wish I were you.

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Well, I ‘ve got news for you!!!

The backwards third world mentality is alive and well in a Brisbane software company.

Day-in-day out there is always a push to increase productivity, reduce defects and minimize software development costs.

The company does a frigging excellent job at minimizing software costs by pretty much expecting – in a demanding kind of way – that you give the company 24/7 all the time.

Some of this partly to blame on the culture where the average worker has given businesses in Australia over $18 billion in unpaid overtime.

Fine – average workers are just idiots!!!

Last week, a woman CEO demanded that all developers use physical paper folders for all projects that they’re working on.

Wow.

That meant that gone are the Word requirement documents, the Excel spreadsheets that we email amongst ourselves, test cases that get dumped on the shared drives etc.

All this because she likes to touch/see the physical documents.

What a bitch!!!

How can a CEO of a “world leading” fashion software organization be so backwards. What makes things rather scary is that she’s in her early 40’s – not even an old fart yet.

Maybe it is the environment. The Sydney siders often say that “Brisbane is a big country town“

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Since moving to Brisbane 5 years ago, I’ve had the pleasure to observe, admire and drool over some seriously gorgeous female bits. By this I’m referring to a nicely curved – shaped butt, luscious lips, legs that have the perfect shape and go on forever and of course boobs – breasts that are unbelievably inviting.

It is really great living in Brisbane – everyday I get to see at least one beautiful woman.  If I get to see a blond, all I need is a glimpse of a nipple to know if she is a real blond or a fake. Real blond nipples are pink in color while brunette nipples are browner.  Living with two women and then again with another two women has been an education

But…

I have to navigate my way through the city every day of the week, and as regular as clockwork, I get stonewalled behind a woman or two or three.

Now it is a known fact that women are unable to walk straight – they’re always drifting this way then that way and then there’s the sudden stop for no apparent reason. (In a rush, I almost rear-end a woman when she stopped suddenly!!!)

Easy. I just walk in the opposite direction to get around this female obstruction.

Complicating this is being stuck behind two women. Slipping around this obstruction requires a gear change.

Now we add handbags and the back-up handbags.

Suddenly the zig-zag female walk is covering a meter to the left and another meter to the right.

Initially I figured the sweeper arms were for balance – assuming she had a top heavy rack aggravated by the handbags.

Unfortunately, this is not true.

Women who are not well endowed and not carrying handbags still swing there arms sideways.

It took over a month of observation, sidewalk traffic congestion and dozens of female forms to formulate this measurable law of motion.

Whilst walking behind and admiring the curves wiggling and gyrating, measure the width of her hips with your eye.

Touching would be inappropriate ;-(

Now if her butt is 36 cm wide, take 36 cm from her spine to the left and 36cm right. This 72cm range is the bare minimum arm swing radius.

Adding handbags add further offsets to the arm swinging.

If you’re having a really bad day and she is C++ top heavy, the arms have to compensate for the shift in weight as the jugs swing this way and then that way.

Before commenting, take the time to admire and observe the female physique in motion.

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Whilst the mind was drifting towards a better a job and my stomach was asking what’s for dinner, a black car slipped into parking bay next to me.

If I hadn’t turned my head to the right – an intense stare hopefully intimidating the traffic light – ordering the change, I wouldn’t have seen the black Lamborghini Murciélago.

Now I don’t drive a 4×4 or truck, just a general average working class slave wagon – a Toyota Yaris – to be precise

The Lamborghini parked next to me was sooo lowww!!! The roof of this car was probably no higher than the Yaris door handle.

Here in Brisbane there are plenty sports cars. It is not uncommon to see Porsche – mostly Carrera and Targa. Even that Audi R8 V10 has joined the daily traffic jam.

And there is Ferrari.

Whilst the Ferrari body styling is definitely better than the Porsche, but what really bugs me is the way the car is always squealing. Initially I figured the girl had gotten the accelerator and brake pedals confused and that was why the engine was revving so high.

Hopefully you noticed I said “girl“. A really young blond with so much foundation on her face that if she dented the Ferrari, she could use the excess as body filler!!  I’m convinced she was a “P plate” taking daddies car for a spin.

Then I moved to West End where a Ferrari and fossil live and no, the car is always revving very high.

Back to the real sports car – the Lamborghini Murciélago

I was still admiring the black paint work. It’s not the usual black that manufacturers use but just different. It is too hard to explain – you have to see it.

As lights changed, the Lamborghini appeared at the next set of lights. My Yaris was still thinking about moving forward. Humans can do the 100 meters in 10 seconds. The Lamborghini covered the turn and stop in maybe two seconds.

What was really amazing was that the black beast lunged forward with very little effort – no Ferrari squealing whatsoever.

The closest similar sound is probably a brief sigh from a Jaguar XJ12.

Two weeks later on Charlotte Street I saw my baby

Lamborghini Murcielago

Do you think I could use my Yaris as a trade-in?

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For some this might appear as staged tall story packed with impossible inaccuracies, but for some residents of Brisbane, it is a daily gauntlet of duck and dive for cover ;-(

Let us begin…

Whilst escaping the office for a bite to eat, I found myself sitting on a Cathedral Park bench.

Being just before noon, the park was pleasantly quiet – peaceful – the shade much more inviting than the office aircon.

Here St. Johns Cathedral replaced my dull and somewhat depressing LCD monitor with source code and customer complaints.

Initially, many meters ahead of my park bench enjoying the sun was a couple of magpies.

Normally ferrous and generally impolite wildlife, they wandered ever closer and closer to my bench. It didn’t take long before I realized that these birds wanted my lunch.

Every bite was met with an advancement of the magpie front line.

Slowly as I chewed, their approach became more and more uncomfortable
- for me !!! Maybe it was the fear of being out numbered – ambushed.

Magpie cyclist attack damage

Magpies have been known to derail cyclists and demolish high heels. It was only a week or so ago that I saw a magpie force a crow to crash land on the paving. A couple meters more and the oncoming Turbot street traffic would’ve been involved. Possible broken windscreen?

Magpie territory warning

Very confident protected specie – perhaps arrogantly confident?

I could easily have stretched my arm out and given Captain Magpie a good old slap, but as the beady eyes filled my view, I capitulated (because of legal ramifications!).

Late last year a copper got fined $2000 for shooting an aggressive magpie.

The magpie couple probably didn’t fill in their 2008 tax return and even if they had, they probably wouldn’t have received the ATO $900 tax refund this month.

With no tax refund to bank on and starving, maybe the couple had a couple chicks to feed? Who knows.

Sorry and somewhat apologetic, I left them with what remained of my lunch. My butt hadn’t even left the park bench when the magpies dive bombed the lunch.

This was yet another successful Magpie Attack.

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An easy sell – how many times haven’t you wished your boss – that old fart – to hell?

So understandably and probably unfortunately, good old values have gone to hell!!! As we all know Christianity as a religion is dropping in popularity – see Religious Tolerance . Some will dispute this saying that the flock is growing and indeed they might be right. But proportionately to the world population, Christianity is definitely going down.

Think about it – how many times have you ever seen a queue at your local church ?

The only religion which is growing in real terms – worldwide population, is Islam.

Thankfully for the remaining Christian flock, Brisbane has the absolutely awesome St. John’s Cathedral.

St. John's Anglican Cathedral

Construction of this stone masterpiece started back in 1906 based on plans from a late eighteen century architect and only completed now in 2009. The stone masons used the churches very own Gatton quarry – on the way to Toowomba.

Going up the stone stairs onto the porch, you’re met by the narthex West wall supporting the Millennium Window. Above the beautifully decorated stained glass windows is the immense stone-vaulted ceiling.

Cathedral entrance

Every butt joint is intentionally unique. This finish and attention to detail takes your breathe away. But wait that’s not all.

Stepping further along the Nave Altar the pulpit appears. Behind the pulpit is the Cathedra – Archbishop’s Seat and finally the sanctuary holding the high altar.

Nave-Altar-Cathedra-Sanctuary

Breathless you sit and admire the view, perhaps reflecting on the meaning of life – the number 42

Unfortunately you cannot stay here at St. John’s Cathedral forever ;-(

It is always a good idea to chuck the milk before it lands on your porridge and embarrassingly has a better grip on the cornflakes than your very own dentures. Preservatives like 200, 220 etc do a great job but even the church accepts that there is that final expiry date.

With the current worldwide economic crisis, some have skipped the Hell Express hearse and gone straight to the crematorium for a bottling. Understandably, Anubis who patiently manages the gates to afterlife, could have saved this lost soul.

Never fear, even with the aging population in Australia, none of the coffin manufacturers have ever had an unhappy customer. Now that’s good value and peace of mind – great package deal.

So please come visit Brisbane Australia, we’ve got all souls covered.

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Probably the first speed-bump that any bloke encounters is when he hits the cycle related strife of PMS (pre-menstrual stress). Suddenly the good to cuddle darling partner for last three weeks, finishes the month as a fiery moody demon beast.

During the dating phase of the relationship, a sudden onslaught of moodiness is easily countered with a really low-profile. Falling off the edge of the earth for a week or so is a mostly safe option

Luckily now there’s PMSBuddy that warns us poor blokes when our other half’s pre-menstrual syndrome is about to hit. These monthly notification installments ought to mitigate some of the damage and save us blokes a whole load of pain – credit card excluded!

Now if you happen to be dating these curves you have a possible escape, however if you’re just renting a room, you are forced to tread broken glass on bare feet for that week!!!

Did you know buying flowers in an attempt dig oneself out of the dog box is deemed to be “kryponite for PMS” – go figure!!!

FACT: Living with two women is Chinese Water Tortue .

Little girls may be made of sugar, spice and all things nice, but their underarms smell of onions and grapefruit !!!

Scientists at Firmenich, Geneva have confirmed that the smell from women’s armpits are definitely much worse than us poor blokes.

Women – who by their admission know pretty much everything (except how to change a tire!!) – are acutely aware of this. That’s why they shave their armpits in an attempt to destroy the foul smelling bacteria’s natural habitat.

Deforestation might stop the foul smelling bacteria from breeding for a while, but the replacement leaves us blokes gasping for air. A woman’s immersion in deodorants and perfumes is at times intoxicating.  Attractive as this might be, gasping for some fresh air – almost suffocating, us blokes have our heads bent down. In the normal incomprehensible womanly way, the woman immediately assumes the bloke is focused solely on their breasts!

Maybe so – but it’s not our fault that the woman are constantly buying better bras, padding et al to make their boobs look better, bigger and even more curvaceous, deviously attractive. Women must accept that the boob focus is their fault – the consequence of their false advertising!

Another report examining hand bacteria in the USA has found that women also have a greater variety of bacteria on their hands than men. Scientists identified 4742 species!!!

So it is confirmed – girl germs really do exist.

Complicating matters is when you add another sheila to the mix. With two women in a confined space – in an old Queenslander – blokes would instinctively assume this must be heaven – double nymphomaniacs. What could possibly be wrong with this blessing?

One word – lesbian.

Don’t get me wrong, my first encounter with a lesbian was very nice. There was none of that usual sexual tension that exists between male and female – just remarkably calm and peaceful.

But throw two lesbians into an enclosed space – add an irritating chihuahua for extra zest and finish the mix with one bloke.

Now as you know, lesbians are against deforestation so their bacteria has a safe haven. Being a hairy bloke myself, I sometimes feel quite naked against their hairy outcrops – especially their girlish armpits!!!

Trying to be bloke-ish, perfume doesn’t save the day’s visual damage. There should be a law enforcing lesbian long sleeves!

Now as luck would have it, PMS has  absolutely not regard for the calendar or synchronization.

This poor bloke just lost two weeks of normality with the rest of the month replaced with the usual dosage of female hormonal imbalance

The sheilas down under, whilst being really good looking and generally quite loving have a definite violent gene flowing somewhere in their veins. When a bloke mentions something like “Is this your PMS talking?“, he will virtually always be told to “f*** off“.

So what do you think will happen if I suggested to my lesbian housemates that they get their tubes tied?

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What follows is a step by step photographic collage of a Queenslander building construction – from the foundation all the way up to the roof.

Start with a couple supports and wooden trusses.

Wooden supports for the walls and second floor

Roof trusses and floor supports

Then erect the walls…

The wooden timbers get hammered and bolted to the concrete foundation

Wooden construction of the second floor

After the walls go up, build the second floor and add a tiled roof.

Wooden structure supporting the weight of a tiled roof

Bricks added to the outside of the wooden structure

What I don’t understand is why bother with the wooden frame construction then the brick work – why not just use the bricks to begin with?

Queenslander plastered

I would’ve thought that a face-brick house would require less external maintenance like painting, cleaning etc.

Maybe this is some weird way to distort the realestate values?

Can you figure this one out?

And after loosing the building rubble, laying the instant grass and a couple finishing touches – building is finished.

Queenslander construction finally finished. I'd say the garden needs a couple bushes!

The above construction took around 6 months to complete – admitted long compared to the usual month ot two realestate development, but this method probably saved a whole load of bob.

If you’re really sharp – with an investor’s mind – you’ll notice how this newly constructed Queenslander is entirely positioned on one side of the land block.

Sure this choice of land usage gives the kids a large open grass playground, but it allows an easy subdivision.

With a well planned subdivision – splitting the land into smaller parcels, the resale of the land could easily pay off the Queenslander mortgage.

This is how property developers make a fortune – divide and conquer (and fill their bank accounts)!

With a little knowledge and thought, you too can make a killing

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Shorncliffe beach park

Shorncliffe is a very nice quiet place to be. One could almost say a retirement village on the beach.

So I went for a walkabout looking for camp site and a place to cool off.

Pier looking back towards the beach

Initially I figured the pier would be perfect. The sea water and necessary shade to kill the 35+ degrees all within meters of each other.

And what did I find in floating in seawater – also enjoying the sun?

Blue bottle jellyfish

In Australia and New Zealand, this jellyfish is called the “blue bottle” due to its color.  In other countries, they called it the “Portuguese Man o War“.

This apparently lightly armed jellyfish normally has 6-inch (15 centimeter) tentacles but they can grow to around 10 meters long !!! This growth is being caused by the warming of the oceans.

These tentacles are filled with a long string of barbed hooks. Once wrapped around the meal, the poison is released paralysing the prey.

If a human gets snagged, it releases the poison using nematocysts.

To reduce the pain, don’t touch the area because that releases more poison. The best thing to do is wash the area with some vinegar.

Now the blue bottle jellyfish might sting you and that will definitely hurt, however this “Portuguese Man o War” has a deadly cousin which conveniently is also a blue color!!!

The Box Jellyfish – alias Chironex Fleckeri - has the potential to inflict fatal stings. Once stung, the pain is so excruciating that you’ll probably go into shock and drown before reaching the beach. You have virtually no chance of surviving this venomous sting.

Sea filled with an armada of blue bottle jellyfish

I posted the YouTube video here. The video ain’t that great but I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s impossible to know if a box jellyfish is hidden within the jellyfish armada.

So here I am – the Brush Turkey ripping up the garden, the crows damaging my hearing and the jellyfish hogging the pool – still want to visit?

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Entrance gate to Brassall Place

This recently finished development is absolutely awesome – offers a great lifestyle advantage. Most new real estate developments have the residences sitting uncomfortably close to one another.

Brassall Place is definitely different – you can breath easily and are highly unlikely to hear your neighbor fart or orgasm

Pool - just add 36-32-34

Road between the Brassall units

Neighbor to the right of Unit 29

So Sunday afternoon turned into an in depth property investigation. Not wanting to be disturbed, I choose unit 29 of the complex. This lovely two bedroom with SLUG, face brick and backyard, unit is located far away from the gated entry. Students would love this – guaranteed quiet helps studies. I was student once upon a time ;-(

Entrance to the 2 bedroom Unit 29

The complex is conveniently located close to shopping centers, transport and enjoys a wealth of park areas. Being not too far from Brisbane is great plus, especially when one considers the cost of realestate.

The 2 bedroom unit kitchen at Brassall Place

In the Brisbane CBD, you’ll be lucky to find an investment property for less than AU$500,000. Moving further out towards the suburbs, the cost of properties does come down but there is a lack of real lifestyle value.

Probably the biggest advantage of this property development in my opinion is the open space arrangement of the 68 units. This was clearly illustrated in the earlier photo. Whilst this is always very nice, it’s the bottom line that counts.

The table below gives the property breakdown.

All above is within walking distance of the shops, schools and transport. For us blokes (and if you love fishing), the Bremer river is on your doorstep.

I’m not sure on whether or not there are still any units available for sale / investment – best to check that with No Limit, but rental opportunities are still being advertised on www.realestate.com.au or contact Jim, the onsite manager.

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