Whilst dodging that puddle that’s guarding the driver side you grab the door handle and the f*** door is still locked!!!

Fumbling around for the remote again, the puddle that definitely wasn’t there when you parked the car, invades your sneakers. Jeans are now a mess. The socks are now soaked as the toes attempt an escape through the sneaker air vent.

So with a wet backpack busting your back, the remote gets pressed again and again.

The driver door stays locked.

Bugger! Now in desperation, I took the key – struggled – and finally found the slot that I’d never used since purchasing the Toyota Yaris five years ago.

With the rain still belting down, I started looking for an off street park near my unit.

Parked again, the Yaris remote ignored my wishes again.

Bugger!!!

The sudden loss of remote functionality seemed linked to the battery. Doing some research I found that the car-remotes should last about 5 to 10 years between battery changes.

Since I only use the car maybe once a week, I figured I should be closer to the 10 year interval.

1. Replace the remote battery is easy then supposedly all is sweet.
2. Replace the remote battery and then the remote must be reprogrammed?

So Friday morning I visited the Southside Toyota Service Department in Woolloongabba, Queensland.

They didn’t have a remote battery but could order it for $30AUD. When I mentioned to the salesmen that I really needed my remote, he suggested that I visit Jaycar Electronics Woolloongabba .

I asked for remote battery and got the expected Lithium CR2016 for only $2.95AUD.

From the following pictures should help the first time remote control virgin.

Yaris Remote Control opened up

Now applying a 5mm blade screw driver again…

The coin sized CR2016 battery

With battery replaced, remote light appears but still nothing happens.

The doors stay locked. F***, looks like I’m gonna have to follow the reprogramming steps that were posted by “CTScott” in the forum article http://www.yarisworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=20865 .

Slightly peeved, I hoped into the car using the actual key. Later I got to the organic markets and pressed the remote lock out of habit and the car locked!!!

Awesome!!!

Then later in the afternoon, I sent remote unlock – great. Got back to the off street park and sent a remote lock.

The Yaris ignored me. Do I have to reprogram or chuck and get a new remote?

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The captain had said on the PA that only one cruise ship could do this trip at a time. He wasn’t kidding – the cliffs appeared to be within spitting distance !!!

Rocky water edge in New Zealand Fiordland

Along the way, the scenery was absolutely stunning! Next time I should remember to pack some rechargeable batteries ;-(

Fountain running down in the Fiordland

Unfortunately, we had leave the Fiordland for Port Chalmers, 20km from Dunedin.

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Pacific Dawn top deck with pool, sunbeds and bar

The ship did rock a little, but no more than a Translink bus cornering while chasing the schedule or finishing the last late night service. Finally, trips are always better on the CityCat when it is turned into an overgrown jet-ski.

The rolling movement of the Pacific Dawn would be less if its breath were larger. The Royal Caribbean International Oasis of the Seas – the world’s biggest cruise liner ever built – is 47 meters whereas the P&O ship only has a width of 38 meters. The extra width probably removes the need for the horizontal stabilizers (and increased fuel consumption).

After three days at sea, without land in sight, New Zealand’s South Island Fiordland appeared in the mist.

Gently the ship Pacific Dawn slipped through the cliffs

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She was mostly always right and that was just the right thing to do

So a day later, deposit paid, I was booked to take a cruise on the P&O Pacific Dawn from Brisbane across the ditch to New Zealand.

P&O Pacific Dawn cruise ship

More professional images can be found at http://www.cruise-australia.net/pacificdawn.htm

The Pacific Dawn is 70,000 Ton cruise ship (1991), with 11 decks and able to carry 2000 passengers. She has a couple sisters – Pacific Jewel (70,000 Tons, 1991), Pacific Pearl (63,500 Tons, 1987) and the oldest sister, Pacific Sun at 47,000 Tons built back in 1986.

For those who plan of taking a cruise, don’t rush. Boarding at Brisbane harbor was slowed down by a large number of the fossils with hearing aids, walking aids etc. strolling up the gang plank. A floating retirement village, that rocks them to sleep one might say

The other thousand of us without pacemakers cruised up the gang plank into boat, only to find the stores and pubs closed whilst docked in the harbor ;-(

Most of the staff on the Pacific Dawn are sourced from China, India and the Philippines. The entertainment staff do however appear to be from Australia. The nationality split is probably to save a coin and bump up the P&O Cruise profits. How un-Australian!

The woman was all drugged up. Every possible and potential sea-sickness cure was cruising through her veins. It was the law – there was just no way that she was going to be sea-sick.

Now initially, we were expected to depart from Brisbane at 2pm and then cruise for three days to New Zealand’s south island “Fiordland”.

Well, the Brisbane harbor master delayed the departure because of the wind.

Imagine that 70,000 tons of metal could be delayed by breeze. Doesn’t the ship have a couple monster diesel engines to push bulk around through the wave fronts or handle the occasional tidal or tsunami?

The Pacific Dawn left the Brisbane harbor about four hours behind schedule.

In a later post, I’ll cover cruising drug update and the cruise through the New Zealand Fiordland.

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Though not exactly the same issue as the above link, I asked the local Lamborghini distributor why I often see them with the engine taken out?

Simple – the clutch or clutch sensor!!!

He had three Lambos in the shop for exactly the same reason.

It appears the clutch just doesn’t survive very long. I would think that Lamborghini would have fixed this issue years ago, but it seems not.

Maybe it is a way to keep the distributors busy?

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One of the first things I noticed, was the totally relaxed the living environment. None the usual girl-boy shared space issues or conflicts. Being a player, she would regularly ask me – “What do think of her?“, “She’s so sweet. I could love her. Did you notice that bra?“.

Now that you’ve got situation framed, you’ll understand my surprise when I got an email that she’d met a Chef – a bloke – a tool at the bottom of the evolutionary chain !!!

Finally I had a chance to ensure that us blokes – could apply our tools She’d jumped her evolutionary fence.

She had to love this bloke.

She had to understand how great us blokes are.

Good food equals great sex. Dinning with a potential mate can tell you a lot about them. Just think about the words we use – spicy, gooey, steamy food. Now that should be telling u something.

This behavior probably comes from the stone age when the bloke would go pick up a mammoth for dinner (Maccers didn’t exist yet!!!). Meanwhile the Sheila would stroll down to Eden – picking up the fruit and veg (=prehistoric shopping without visa) – to ensure a well balanced diet .

While she washed the potatoes, he baked the chocolate cake from scratch. Together they’d sit around the cave fire on a tiger skinned floor enjoying dinner together. As the flames died and the night grew cold, the bloke snuggled up – (she’d taken the mammoth blanket!!) – looking for some bonded warmth. The rest is history.

And as you see, all really good relationships – boy girl – romance have started with a cave-made candlelit decadent dining experience.

So don’t just eat ur Chef – nibble slowly gently…
The desert that follows will be your laced aphrodisiac

But whatever you do, blokes – especially Chefs – don’t like girls that stick with a salad and then peck at it. If you tell your Sheila mates that the Chef bakes and offers them “samples”, they’ll be swooning around your catch.
If they swoon, get a leash for the Chef – spanking as required until well trained.

I await my lesbian mate response…

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Since moving to Brisbane 5 years ago, I’ve had the pleasure to observe, admire and drool over some seriously gorgeous female bits. By this I’m referring to a nicely curved – shaped butt, luscious lips, legs that have the perfect shape and go on forever and of course boobs – breasts that are unbelievably inviting.

It is really great living in Brisbane – everyday I get to see at least one beautiful woman.  If I get to see a blond, all I need is a glimpse of a nipple to know if she is a real blond or a fake. Real blond nipples are pink in color while brunette nipples are browner.  Living with two women and then again with another two women has been an education

But…

I have to navigate my way through the city every day of the week, and as regular as clockwork, I get stonewalled behind a woman or two or three.

Now it is a known fact that women are unable to walk straight – they’re always drifting this way then that way and then there’s the sudden stop for no apparent reason. (In a rush, I almost rear-end a woman when she stopped suddenly!!!)

Easy. I just walk in the opposite direction to get around this female obstruction.

Complicating this is being stuck behind two women. Slipping around this obstruction requires a gear change.

Now we add handbags and the back-up handbags.

Suddenly the zig-zag female walk is covering a meter to the left and another meter to the right.

Initially I figured the sweeper arms were for balance – assuming she had a top heavy rack aggravated by the handbags.

Unfortunately, this is not true.

Women who are not well endowed and not carrying handbags still swing there arms sideways.

It took over a month of observation, sidewalk traffic congestion and dozens of female forms to formulate this measurable law of motion.

Whilst walking behind and admiring the curves wiggling and gyrating, measure the width of her hips with your eye.

Touching would be inappropriate ;-(

Now if her butt is 36 cm wide, take 36 cm from her spine to the left and 36cm right. This 72cm range is the bare minimum arm swing radius.

Adding handbags add further offsets to the arm swinging.

If you’re having a really bad day and she is C++ top heavy, the arms have to compensate for the shift in weight as the jugs swing this way and then that way.

Before commenting, take the time to admire and observe the female physique in motion.

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Whilst the mind was drifting towards a better a job and my stomach was asking what’s for dinner, a black car slipped into parking bay next to me.

If I hadn’t turned my head to the right – an intense stare hopefully intimidating the traffic light – ordering the change, I wouldn’t have seen the black Lamborghini Murciélago.

Now I don’t drive a 4×4 or truck, just a general average working class slave wagon – a Toyota Yaris – to be precise

The Lamborghini parked next to me was sooo lowww!!! The roof of this car was probably no higher than the Yaris door handle.

Here in Brisbane there are plenty sports cars. It is not uncommon to see Porsche – mostly Carrera and Targa. Even that Audi R8 V10 has joined the daily traffic jam.

And there is Ferrari.

Whilst the Ferrari body styling is definitely better than the Porsche, but what really bugs me is the way the car is always squealing. Initially I figured the girl had gotten the accelerator and brake pedals confused and that was why the engine was revving so high.

Hopefully you noticed I said “girl“. A really young blond with so much foundation on her face that if she dented the Ferrari, she could use the excess as body filler!!  I’m convinced she was a “P plate” taking daddies car for a spin.

Then I moved to West End where a Ferrari and fossil live and no, the car is always revving very high.

Back to the real sports car – the Lamborghini Murciélago

I was still admiring the black paint work. It’s not the usual black that manufacturers use but just different. It is too hard to explain – you have to see it.

As lights changed, the Lamborghini appeared at the next set of lights. My Yaris was still thinking about moving forward. Humans can do the 100 meters in 10 seconds. The Lamborghini covered the turn and stop in maybe two seconds.

What was really amazing was that the black beast lunged forward with very little effort – no Ferrari squealing whatsoever.

The closest similar sound is probably a brief sigh from a Jaguar XJ12.

Two weeks later on Charlotte Street I saw my baby

Lamborghini Murcielago

Do you think I could use my Yaris as a trade-in?

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Probably the first speed-bump that any bloke encounters is when he hits the cycle related strife of PMS (pre-menstrual stress). Suddenly the good to cuddle darling partner for last three weeks, finishes the month as a fiery moody demon beast.

During the dating phase of the relationship, a sudden onslaught of moodiness is easily countered with a really low-profile. Falling off the edge of the earth for a week or so is a mostly safe option

Luckily now there’s PMSBuddy that warns us poor blokes when our other half’s pre-menstrual syndrome is about to hit. These monthly notification installments ought to mitigate some of the damage and save us blokes a whole load of pain – credit card excluded!

Now if you happen to be dating these curves you have a possible escape, however if you’re just renting a room, you are forced to tread broken glass on bare feet for that week!!!

Did you know buying flowers in an attempt dig oneself out of the dog box is deemed to be “kryponite for PMS” – go figure!!!

FACT: Living with two women is Chinese Water Tortue .

Little girls may be made of sugar, spice and all things nice, but their underarms smell of onions and grapefruit !!!

Scientists at Firmenich, Geneva have confirmed that the smell from women’s armpits are definitely much worse than us poor blokes.

Women – who by their admission know pretty much everything (except how to change a tire!!) – are acutely aware of this. That’s why they shave their armpits in an attempt to destroy the foul smelling bacteria’s natural habitat.

Deforestation might stop the foul smelling bacteria from breeding for a while, but the replacement leaves us blokes gasping for air. A woman’s immersion in deodorants and perfumes is at times intoxicating.  Attractive as this might be, gasping for some fresh air – almost suffocating, us blokes have our heads bent down. In the normal incomprehensible womanly way, the woman immediately assumes the bloke is focused solely on their breasts!

Maybe so – but it’s not our fault that the woman are constantly buying better bras, padding et al to make their boobs look better, bigger and even more curvaceous, deviously attractive. Women must accept that the boob focus is their fault – the consequence of their false advertising!

Another report examining hand bacteria in the USA has found that women also have a greater variety of bacteria on their hands than men. Scientists identified 4742 species!!!

So it is confirmed – girl germs really do exist.

Complicating matters is when you add another sheila to the mix. With two women in a confined space – in an old Queenslander – blokes would instinctively assume this must be heaven – double nymphomaniacs. What could possibly be wrong with this blessing?

One word – lesbian.

Don’t get me wrong, my first encounter with a lesbian was very nice. There was none of that usual sexual tension that exists between male and female – just remarkably calm and peaceful.

But throw two lesbians into an enclosed space – add an irritating chihuahua for extra zest and finish the mix with one bloke.

Now as you know, lesbians are against deforestation so their bacteria has a safe haven. Being a hairy bloke myself, I sometimes feel quite naked against their hairy outcrops – especially their girlish armpits!!!

Trying to be bloke-ish, perfume doesn’t save the day’s visual damage. There should be a law enforcing lesbian long sleeves!

Now as luck would have it, PMS has  absolutely not regard for the calendar or synchronization.

This poor bloke just lost two weeks of normality with the rest of the month replaced with the usual dosage of female hormonal imbalance

The sheilas down under, whilst being really good looking and generally quite loving have a definite violent gene flowing somewhere in their veins. When a bloke mentions something like “Is this your PMS talking?“, he will virtually always be told to “f*** off“.

So what do you think will happen if I suggested to my lesbian housemates that they get their tubes tied?

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Shorncliffe beach park

Shorncliffe is a very nice quiet place to be. One could almost say a retirement village on the beach.

So I went for a walkabout looking for camp site and a place to cool off.

Pier looking back towards the beach

Initially I figured the pier would be perfect. The sea water and necessary shade to kill the 35+ degrees all within meters of each other.

And what did I find in floating in seawater – also enjoying the sun?

Blue bottle jellyfish

In Australia and New Zealand, this jellyfish is called the “blue bottle” due to its color.  In other countries, they called it the “Portuguese Man o War“.

This apparently lightly armed jellyfish normally has 6-inch (15 centimeter) tentacles but they can grow to around 10 meters long !!! This growth is being caused by the warming of the oceans.

These tentacles are filled with a long string of barbed hooks. Once wrapped around the meal, the poison is released paralysing the prey.

If a human gets snagged, it releases the poison using nematocysts.

To reduce the pain, don’t touch the area because that releases more poison. The best thing to do is wash the area with some vinegar.

Now the blue bottle jellyfish might sting you and that will definitely hurt, however this “Portuguese Man o War” has a deadly cousin which conveniently is also a blue color!!!

The Box Jellyfish – alias Chironex Fleckeri - has the potential to inflict fatal stings. Once stung, the pain is so excruciating that you’ll probably go into shock and drown before reaching the beach. You have virtually no chance of surviving this venomous sting.

Sea filled with an armada of blue bottle jellyfish

I posted the YouTube video here. The video ain’t that great but I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s impossible to know if a box jellyfish is hidden within the jellyfish armada.

So here I am – the Brush Turkey ripping up the garden, the crows damaging my hearing and the jellyfish hogging the pool – still want to visit?

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