Since moving to Brisbane 5 years ago, I’ve had the pleasure to observe, admire and drool over some seriously gorgeous female bits. By this I’m referring to a nicely curved – shaped butt, luscious lips, legs that have the perfect shape and go on forever and of course boobs – breasts that are unbelievably inviting.

It is really great living in Brisbane – everyday I get to see at least one beautiful woman.  If I get to see a blond, all I need is a glimpse of a nipple to know if she is a real blond or a fake. Real blond nipples are pink in color while brunette nipples are browner.  Living with two women and then again with another two women has been an education

But…

I have to navigate my way through the city every day of the week, and as regular as clockwork, I get stonewalled behind a woman or two or three.

Now it is a known fact that women are unable to walk straight – they’re always drifting this way then that way and then there’s the sudden stop for no apparent reason. (In a rush, I almost rear-end a woman when she stopped suddenly!!!)

Easy. I just walk in the opposite direction to get around this female obstruction.

Complicating this is being stuck behind two women. Slipping around this obstruction requires a gear change.

Now we add handbags and the back-up handbags.

Suddenly the zig-zag female walk is covering a meter to the left and another meter to the right.

Initially I figured the sweeper arms were for balance – assuming she had a top heavy rack aggravated by the handbags.

Unfortunately, this is not true.

Women who are not well endowed and not carrying handbags still swing there arms sideways.

It took over a month of observation, sidewalk traffic congestion and dozens of female forms to formulate this measurable law of motion.

Whilst walking behind and admiring the curves wiggling and gyrating, measure the width of her hips with your eye.

Touching would be inappropriate ;-(

Now if her butt is 36 cm wide, take 36 cm from her spine to the left and 36cm right. This 72cm range is the bare minimum arm swing radius.

Adding handbags add further offsets to the arm swinging.

If you’re having a really bad day and she is C++ top heavy, the arms have to compensate for the shift in weight as the jugs swing this way and then that way.

Before commenting, take the time to admire and observe the female physique in motion.

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Whilst the mind was drifting towards a better a job and my stomach was asking what’s for dinner, a black car slipped into parking bay next to me.

If I hadn’t turned my head to the right – an intense stare hopefully intimidating the traffic light – ordering the change, I wouldn’t have seen the black Lamborghini Murciélago.

Now I don’t drive a 4×4 or truck, just a general average working class slave wagon – a Toyota Yaris – to be precise

The Lamborghini parked next to me was sooo lowww!!! The roof of this car was probably no higher than the Yaris door handle.

Here in Brisbane there are plenty sports cars. It is not uncommon to see Porsche – mostly Carrera and Targa. Even that Audi R8 V10 has joined the daily traffic jam.

And there is Ferrari.

Whilst the Ferrari body styling is definitely better than the Porsche, but what really bugs me is the way the car is always squealing. Initially I figured the girl had gotten the accelerator and brake pedals confused and that was why the engine was revving so high.

Hopefully you noticed I said “girl“. A really young blond with so much foundation on her face that if she dented the Ferrari, she could use the excess as body filler!!  I’m convinced she was a “P plate” taking daddies car for a spin.

Then I moved to West End where a Ferrari and fossil live and no, the car is always revving very high.

Back to the real sports car – the Lamborghini Murciélago

I was still admiring the black paint work. It’s not the usual black that manufacturers use but just different. It is too hard to explain – you have to see it.

As lights changed, the Lamborghini appeared at the next set of lights. My Yaris was still thinking about moving forward. Humans can do the 100 meters in 10 seconds. The Lamborghini covered the turn and stop in maybe two seconds.

What was really amazing was that the black beast lunged forward with very little effort – no Ferrari squealing whatsoever.

The closest similar sound is probably a brief sigh from a Jaguar XJ12.

Two weeks later on Charlotte Street I saw my baby

Lamborghini Murcielago

Do you think I could use my Yaris as a trade-in?

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Probably the first speed-bump that any bloke encounters is when he hits the cycle related strife of PMS (pre-menstrual stress). Suddenly the good to cuddle darling partner for last three weeks, finishes the month as a fiery moody demon beast.

During the dating phase of the relationship, a sudden onslaught of moodiness is easily countered with a really low-profile. Falling off the edge of the earth for a week or so is a mostly safe option

Luckily now there’s PMSBuddy that warns us poor blokes when our other half’s pre-menstrual syndrome is about to hit. These monthly notification installments ought to mitigate some of the damage and save us blokes a whole load of pain – credit card excluded!

Now if you happen to be dating these curves you have a possible escape, however if you’re just renting a room, you are forced to tread broken glass on bare feet for that week!!!

Did you know buying flowers in an attempt dig oneself out of the dog box is deemed to be “kryponite for PMS” – go figure!!!

FACT: Living with two women is Chinese Water Tortue .

Little girls may be made of sugar, spice and all things nice, but their underarms smell of onions and grapefruit !!!

Scientists at Firmenich, Geneva have confirmed that the smell from women’s armpits are definitely much worse than us poor blokes.

Women – who by their admission know pretty much everything (except how to change a tire!!) – are acutely aware of this. That’s why they shave their armpits in an attempt to destroy the foul smelling bacteria’s natural habitat.

Deforestation might stop the foul smelling bacteria from breeding for a while, but the replacement leaves us blokes gasping for air. A woman’s immersion in deodorants and perfumes is at times intoxicating.  Attractive as this might be, gasping for some fresh air – almost suffocating, us blokes have our heads bent down. In the normal incomprehensible womanly way, the woman immediately assumes the bloke is focused solely on their breasts!

Maybe so – but it’s not our fault that the woman are constantly buying better bras, padding et al to make their boobs look better, bigger and even more curvaceous, deviously attractive. Women must accept that the boob focus is their fault – the consequence of their false advertising!

Another report examining hand bacteria in the USA has found that women also have a greater variety of bacteria on their hands than men. Scientists identified 4742 species!!!

So it is confirmed – girl germs really do exist.

Complicating matters is when you add another sheila to the mix. With two women in a confined space – in an old Queenslander – blokes would instinctively assume this must be heaven – double nymphomaniacs. What could possibly be wrong with this blessing?

One word – lesbian.

Don’t get me wrong, my first encounter with a lesbian was very nice. There was none of that usual sexual tension that exists between male and female – just remarkably calm and peaceful.

But throw two lesbians into an enclosed space – add an irritating chihuahua for extra zest and finish the mix with one bloke.

Now as you know, lesbians are against deforestation so their bacteria has a safe haven. Being a hairy bloke myself, I sometimes feel quite naked against their hairy outcrops – especially their girlish armpits!!!

Trying to be bloke-ish, perfume doesn’t save the day’s visual damage. There should be a law enforcing lesbian long sleeves!

Now as luck would have it, PMS has  absolutely not regard for the calendar or synchronization.

This poor bloke just lost two weeks of normality with the rest of the month replaced with the usual dosage of female hormonal imbalance

The sheilas down under, whilst being really good looking and generally quite loving have a definite violent gene flowing somewhere in their veins. When a bloke mentions something like “Is this your PMS talking?“, he will virtually always be told to “f*** off“.

So what do you think will happen if I suggested to my lesbian housemates that they get their tubes tied?

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Shorncliffe beach park

Shorncliffe is a very nice quiet place to be. One could almost say a retirement village on the beach.

So I went for a walkabout looking for camp site and a place to cool off.

Pier looking back towards the beach

Initially I figured the pier would be perfect. The sea water and necessary shade to kill the 35+ degrees all within meters of each other.

And what did I find in floating in seawater – also enjoying the sun?

Blue bottle jellyfish

In Australia and New Zealand, this jellyfish is called the “blue bottle” due to its color.  In other countries, they called it the “Portuguese Man o War“.

This apparently lightly armed jellyfish normally has 6-inch (15 centimeter) tentacles but they can grow to around 10 meters long !!! This growth is being caused by the warming of the oceans.

These tentacles are filled with a long string of barbed hooks. Once wrapped around the meal, the poison is released paralysing the prey.

If a human gets snagged, it releases the poison using nematocysts.

To reduce the pain, don’t touch the area because that releases more poison. The best thing to do is wash the area with some vinegar.

Now the blue bottle jellyfish might sting you and that will definitely hurt, however this “Portuguese Man o War” has a deadly cousin which conveniently is also a blue color!!!

The Box Jellyfish – alias Chironex Fleckeri - has the potential to inflict fatal stings. Once stung, the pain is so excruciating that you’ll probably go into shock and drown before reaching the beach. You have virtually no chance of surviving this venomous sting.

Sea filled with an armada of blue bottle jellyfish

I posted the YouTube video here. The video ain’t that great but I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s impossible to know if a box jellyfish is hidden within the jellyfish armada.

So here I am – the Brush Turkey ripping up the garden, the crows damaging my hearing and the jellyfish hogging the pool – still want to visit?

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Only because of the nice cover girl – curves is all the right places – I decided to turn the page expecting a little more flesh on the next and following pages.

Whilst carefully navigating my way around the perfume, lipstick and devouring all the lingerie clad woman, I stumbled upon the NSD PowerBall advert.

I’d finally found something I could wrap my hands around!!! A PowerBall is the world’s most powerful hand held Gyroscope.

This small toy is about the size of a tennis ball and has the weight of maybe a cricket ball (approximately 280 grams). Get it spinning and before long your entire body will be shaking – almost uncontrollably

Totally addictive. The workout you receive from just a couple seconds of gyroscopic effect is unbelievable! Before long your forearms and shoulders are burning – sweating.

The Powerball is an impressive exercise instrument or tool. At all times it requires a firm grip but still it is suitable for gentle rehabilitation, relaxation and therapy.

The force or gyroscopic resistance generated by the Powerball is proportional to the effort exerted by the user. So even if you have arthritis, tendinitis, carpal tunnel syndrome or some other kind of inflammation, the Powerball will help heal the condition. The health benefits include repairing / strengthening ligaments, improving circulation in the hands and wrist whilst increasing flexibility and building power in the fingers, wrists and arms.

With some effort, I’ve had the rotor spinning at 8000rpm. At this speed, the Powerball gyroscopic forces make it weigh about 10 kilograms.

High speed is where the workout begins. Moving your hand around above the shoulder or head becomes that much more difficult.

The NSD documentation conservatively states 40lbs. On YouTube, there are videos with Powerballs clocking from 16000rpm to 20000rpm. At these speeds, the 280 gram ball has an apparent weight of 20..23kg!!!

Definitely the best exercise toy that I’ve ever bought

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For many job applicants, the most difficult task will be deciding what job offer to accept.

This has put the pressure on employers to differentiate their offer and stand out early in the recruitment process to avoid a tug-of-war.

The obvious way to entice the candidate accept the employment offer is the salary or wage as shown here:

In the following table you’ll notice that the first listing is the construction industry. So gone are the days where mums and dads said university was best way to secure your future.

Now in 2008, a trade or apprenticeship is the way to secure that dream job you’ve always wanted.

The demand for construction industry trades and apprenticeships are growing at 15% pa.

It’s been 25 years since traditional trades have been in favor as the lucrative career path. This fact shocks the tertiary education sector as many school leavers look forward to rolling up their sleeves and immediately earning an income.

Together with the Australian Bureau of Statistics 2006 Census, the Department of Education, Employment and Workplace Relations (DEEWR) released a “Skills in Demand List” that said the skill shortage is here to stay for the foreseeable future!

So does your boss recognize the hard work and extra hours you put in?

Now is the time for a “don’t thank me, pay me” attitude – you’ve got nothing to loose!

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Coming from South Africa, I know that crowds throw bricks and bottles at the police to build a bullet ridden relationship.

Well timed bricks also fall miraculously from bridges onto the oncoming traffic. The falling brick and ensuing mayhem hopefully generates at least one windshield replacement and lots of panel beating to offset the traffic chaos that follows.

In South Africa, some call this job creation while others call this job satisfaction!

Bricks are an essential part of daily life in South Africa, but down under Australian bricks are an essential part of a constructive and well balanced dinner!

But wait, that is not all. Bricks are also the essential kitchen gadget for baking Down Under!

Initially when I saw the following, I figured the baking pan was just a little small and the yeast wanted out. Well, that’s just plain wrong!!

I pride myself at being at the top of the food chain – intentionally lacking the necessary kitchen skills and experience.

With the cooking foil removed, another bricked surfaced!

“So why load the baking pan with a brick?”

Irritated and somewhat amused at my ignorance, the Sheila responded with “Mate, how else are ya gonna spread the stuffing evenly?”

Being a bloke and all that’s just gonna chew the chicken meat loaf dinner, whether or not the stuffing is spread around evenly doesn’t really matter!

But as we all know, presentation means everything to woman

So you think you have all the kitchen gadgets and skills imaginable but Down Under in Australia, you must have the kitchen brick!!!

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Or maybe that’s the African mentality?

In South Africa the criminal has degenerated into brutal animal. You can easily without hesitation be shot for your mobile, bag, wallet, car etc.

Serious crime – that’s murder, attempted murder, rape, assault and robbery account for 33% of all recorded crime in South Africa. In Australia, serious crime is a fraction of a percentage point.

The crime statistics listed below were extracted from official press releases or advisories – they’re not manufactured!!! The South African release was dated 31 July 2007, whilst the Australian was August 2007.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS), approximately 82% of persons felt safe or very safe when at home alone during the day, compared with 72% feeling this way after dark.

How many South Africans can say that?

None – South Africans live in fear!

At night South Africans lock themselves up behind barbed wire, high walls, electric fences and security gates. The only thing that differentiates the law abiding citizen from those still left in prison is that they have the key to their cell door!

According to a Overseas Security Advisory Council (OSAC) report, to compare favorably with other INTERPOL countries, South Africa must reduce its violent crime by 7-10% pa for the next 10 years.

As the 2010 World Cup draws closer, pressure is mounting to stem the out of control crime – if this does not happen, the country will fall short of a target of ten million tourist arrivals.

Hopefully with this crime statistics comparison you will understand why I love Australia

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Everything seemed outrageously expensive – because my point of reference was always subject to a “currency conversion“. This deodorant is five dollars (AU$5) – hell, that’s thirty Rand (R30). What a rip-off, at Pick ‘n Pay last week, I paid only R15!

I knew I was not alone – many South Africans had moved to Australia and were now working in Australia. Most had stayed and many more South Africans, Brits etc. continue to immigrate to Australia – either on a working or skilled immigration visa or maybe even a permanent residence visa.

Here is a “point of reference” for some living expenses.

Most the prices listed above are all from the Coles shopping chain – generally good products and reasonable service – unlike Pick ‘n Pray in South Africa.

Fuel prices vary by the day – generally Tuesday or Wednesday is the cheapest day. The fuel price is not regulated so fuel stations can charge whatever they like – and remember it is also self service! If you really want to save, switch to natural gas at around $0.30..0.45 per liter.

It is definitely cheaper to use the excellent public transport system – Translink – in Brisbane. The same ticket is used on any bus, train or ferry. The ticket cost is based on the number of zones crossed. If you live about 15km outside of the Brisbane CBD, you’re looking at a 4 zone ticket – that’s only $28.80 per week.

Try get some parking in the city – access controlled parking lot – and that’ll easily cost $10-$20 per day!!! Most street parking meters allow only an hour sometimes two hours at most. The parking meter charges vary, but in Spring Hill, $1 buys 30 minutes.

As for a property, rental expenses – even now after 3 years – it is still very expensive! Rents are charged by the week and for something reasonable, you’re looking at $300+ around Brisbane. For something on the river, think $600++ per week.

Don’t buy property the moment you arrive in Australia. First use a rental property for a couple months until you get to know the area. There are very nice areas but they suffer serious traffic problems. Other areas bear the brunt of the afternoon sun whilst others have issues with low water pressure (brought about by the drought).

When you do decide to buy property – expect to pay $300k+ for nothing more than a shack.

The bottom line is this: loose the currency conversion mindset – it will only depress you!

Once you start working and earning Australian dollars – your “South African Rands” will fade into obscurity. Only once that happens, will you be living in Australia – the best place to be!

Trust me – I’m a doctor

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That’s a given – so in South Africa as tax paying citizen you understand and know that you can’t take any more than what the South African Receiver Of Revenue (SARS) has deemed is acceptable ;-(

This amount is called the “Travel Allowance“.

Well, I figured that applied to every year that one is out of the country – WRONG!!!!

I filled in all the paperwork to do a bank transfer - surprisingly cheaper than using a travel agent! I did the paperwork on the Tuesday knowing well that it would take a couple days before the funds appeared in my Australian bank account.

So that Sunday after the flight back to Brisbane, Australia – I checked my ANZ bank account.

Nothing – no funds had been transfered!!!

The moment you go on a “working holiday“, the “yearly” part of the travel allowance falls away. This the useless crowd at First National Bank (FNB) didn’t bother to tell me on the Tuesday I filled in all the paperwork.

Hell, they couldn’t even make a decent photocopy of the plane ticket. Another derailment is that the plane ticket must have been purchased in South Africa!

The travel allowance falls away the moment you earn an income outside South Africa!

Hello, the Rand doesn’t go very far. Are you expected to take a year, two or three’s worth of currency with you the moment you leave? Is anyone that liquid? Hell no!

I wonder if any of the politicians who dreamt up this legal mumbo jumbo actually used their own money overseas? Oh I forgot – they let tax payers pay for their trip!

It took a couple emails before I got a response from FNB – if you contact them from your online banking account they take a hell of lot longer than the 24hr response time that they advertise on the web site to get back to you – think days!

So if you’re going to be outside the country for an extended period time you need to do the following:

Firstly, make sure your last income tax return has an assets and liability statement attached to it. This will allow you get a “tax clearance certificate“.

Make sure your tax is up to date – don’t have tax returns consistently behind through intentional extensions granted via the SARS. My accountant convinced me that it works better and it does – virtually every year I got money back – so at least that works!

Don’t ask me how – that’s why I paid an accountant!

Now when you go on a “working holiday” – you are screwed because your tax return is delayed – and with that all hope of taking your travel allowance moving into second year!

Secondly, go to the SARB site and download the MP1423 form – “Foreign Investment by Private Individual Resident in South Africa“.

Well this the form that FNB said I should fill in – I don’t agree with the investment because it is not real investment - nothing physical! I wanted the extra cash to pay for a skills course which is like “investing my future”?

And besides – technically I’m not resident in South Africa! Well the ATO says I’m an Australian resident – and I must agree with them ;-(

And finally, FNB sent me a “Declaration of South African Residents Temporarily Abroad” form to sign.

All this moving into the second year – do you understand why I’m a little pissed off with the so called “Travel Allowance“?

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